Saturday 1 February 2014

A ball-ache at 48

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As I zipped up my trousers, my physician peeled off his latex gloves. ‘In light of your age, I’ll refer you to urology for tests’ he said. We can’t be too careful.’

It was 2006, and my 48-year-old right testicle had begun to ache several weeks earlier while watching a TV program about how men are prone to neglect their health, particularly if the problem relates to their dangly bits. I clung to benign explanations for the pain: perhaps my budgie-smugglers were too tight, or maybe I had unknowingly crushed the sensitive orb when I crossed my legs?

When the pain persisted, my hypochondriacal curiosity prompted me to enter ‘testicular cancer’ into the search engine. Reading the symptoms – a lump in part of one testicle, a dull ache, or a heavy scrotum – triggered several days of cupping, prodding and mirror-gazing that only aggravated my pain. I relented and visited my doctor who in turn was now propelling me towards the specialist.     

Three weeks later I am sitting in the urology waiting room at the local hospital, fearing the worst, and visualizing malignant cells multiplying and stomping, jackbooted, into the neighbouring testicular tissue like the Nazi invasion of Poland.

‘Mr. Jones, please?’

I turn to see an attractive young woman in a white coat smiling, and beckoning me to follow her. She has sallow skin and ebony hair, tied back in a bob. I follow her like a faithful puppy-dog to the consulting room, feeling a rising sense of unease in anticipation of my indecent exposure.

Once inside, after exploring the history of my problem, she rises from her chair, moves a couple of yards away from me, motions me to also stand, and asks me to let her ‘have a look’. I lower my denims and briefs to allow the front-room furniture to swing fee. Standing there exposed from waist to knee, I fidget, not knowing where to put my hands. She peers at my genitalia, ‘to check for symmetry’ – apparently, observing whether my right ball is hovering at a different altitude to the other. Disturbingly, as she scrutinizes, she purses her lips and tilts her head. I conjure up lusty thoughts to try and inflate the pipe-work a bit but, alas, all in vain; in the cold consulting room my meat and veg resemble Bob Cratchit’s turkey, the last one in the shop.   
Courtesy of hyena reality
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While I remain standing, she approaches, squats before me and digs her finger into the suspect testicle.
‘Does that hurt?’ she asks.
I yelp, providing her with an answer. She continues the examination by manipulating each ball between her thumb and forefinger, and cupping each in the palm of her hand (presumably checking for the diagnostic heaviness – if not, I’d been the victim of sexual assault). After returning to her full height she instructs me to lie on the bed. Any embryonic ember of sexual excitement is immediately quenched by the comic image in my head of my shuffling across the room, hairy arse on view, trousers around knees, like a floundering contestant in a sack race.

A male colleague with cold hands joins us and more prodding ensues. At the end of the examination I’m told that my testicles feel ‘totally normal’ but, in light of my age, they will arrange for me to return to hospital for an ultra scan ‘just to be on the safe side.’

Two weeks on, I am laying on a bed in the X-Ray Department, ubiquitous blue gown raised to my hips, while a black man, with hands the size of pit shovels, moves a wand-like object three inches from my gonads as if searching for precious metal. His verdict: ‘apart from a slight, non-significant aberration in the right testicle, they appear perfectly normal.’ He also tells me that the pain is probably due to ‘post-vasectomy pain syndrome,’ a discomfort experienced by one-in-three men years after the operation – a fact denied to me when I had the snip a decade earlier.  
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‘If this was your testicle, would you choose to undergo any further investigation?’ I asked.
‘No,’ the radiographer replied, ‘I’d leave it well alone.’
‘That’s good enough for me,’ I said while rising from the bed, thoroughly reassured.




  

43 comments:

  1. That was one of the best things I have ever read, and honestly I'm jealous, not because I want to have ball troubles, but rather because I really wish I would have wrote this. You are awesome my friend.

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    1. Wow, that's praise indeed, Michael, from one who specializes in the genre of body parts and basic functions. Delighted to hear you enjoyed it.

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  2. As always you do a great job of writing about things I can easily relate to.This was eight years ago; have you had further problems? I hope not.

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    1. No further problems since, Stephen. I appreciate your support and interest.

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  3. At least the appointments weren't a balls-up, even if you were :)

    Good old NHS.

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    1. I'm always a ball-up, Lizzie. And, yes, where would we be without the NHS.

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  4. Just when the soft porn begins, humor kicks in - alternating a few times. Always a good laugh when I visit here.

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    1. Soft porn, Anita? You're referring to my other blog! (Only kidding). Thanks for your continued support.

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  5. Ahahahaha! It's the male equivalent to my mammogram. Glad to know you were free and clear!

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    1. Yes, Kate, I was thinking of your mammogram post while writing this one.
      Best wishes.

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  6. As a doctor, she had to know about shrinkage. Everybody in this country knows about shrinkage thanks to Jerry Seinfeld.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DoARSlv-HU

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    1. I'd never seen the Jerry Seinfeld clip before (I'm a Brit). Just watched it now - hilarious! Let's hope the doc watches Seinfeld.

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  7. Good to know. You may have saved someone a small heart attack one day!

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    1. So being fore-warned about the horrors of shriveled, wrinkly bits might lessen the shock for some unsuspecting female in the future? Interesting thought.

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  8. I love the descriptive imagery. It was like I was in the room with you.

    Wait.

    Is that weird?

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    1. Yes, it is a tad. And one inwardly chuckling female in the room was more than enough, thank you.

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  9. I can understand your fears, as well as the hopes and dreams with the female examiner. I have a female doctor. Luckily, she is not one that pushes for prostrate exams as the male doctors do. Perhaps it is only men that find entering the ass an experience worth pursuing. Good post! Funny stuff!

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  10. I appreciate your comments Richard - thank you for dropping by.

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  11. DIGS HER FINGER IN THE SUSPECT TESTICLE!!??? Great Googli Moogli, I would have jumped through the ceiling!! By the way, I giggled when you mentioned "sack race" Double entendre much?
    By the way, I had a vasectomy about ten years ago. 1 in 3? Well, goody for me.

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    1. There's time yet, Al.for your vasectomy pain to kick in!

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  12. GREAT post!!! So many awesome visuals here---wait, I'm not talking about the testicles! But I love this: "floundering contestant in a sack race" and "hands the size of pit shovels." Laughing so hard. Brilliant writing as always, my friend.

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    1. Thank you Marcia for your generous comments - coming from a quality writer like you I find them very motivating.

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  13. Hurrah for your healthy gonads! Did they give you any advice about the frequency of your..um..emissions?

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    1. No, they didn't give any advice in that department.

      Thanks for dropping by.

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  14. As always, hilarious. Your self-deprecating descriptions conjure up some disturbing and amusing visuals in my mind. I think I'll go watch some porn to feel clean again.

    But congrats on having perfectly normal balls!

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, good sir. And yes my balls seem fine - touch wood!

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  15. This was TOO funny. Not that your nad hurt, but your descriptions of all things hangy and the tale. Very glad you're alright. I didn't realize this post-vasectomy pain was a thing!? I won't tell my husband or he'll immediately have it. He's SO resentful he got one because exactly one year later I had to get a hysterectomy! His procedure was all for nothing..... oh well. :)

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    1. I appreciate you dropping by and taking the time to comment. And yes we males can harbor grudges when it involves mutilation of our gonads! (Although, seriously, it is such a minor op as compared to hysterectomy or female sterilization).

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  16. So this is what I have to look forward to as I get older? At least the only time my balls ache is whe I accidently clock my gnads with my belt buckle. Now that is pain.

    Good to hear that it was nothing to be alarmed about. Now I know if I get the snip what to expect! Great overview of your experience while keeping it funny. I think we all felt as if we were the ones performing the exam on you. Um, creepy?

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    1. Thanks Phil for your supportive comments. Just be careful when you're swinging that belt buckle!

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  17. First, glad to hear ball is well. Second, the aspect that jumped out at me was the fear that you create by looking into symptoms on the web. If you look at the wrong article you'll be convinced you have a week left to live. Of course, visiting the doctor as you did is the best course of action. Enjoyed!

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  18. First, glad to hear ball is well. Second, what hit home for me was the fear that we generate when we start researching our symptoms on the web. Your course of action was the smartest - put yourself in the hands of a good doctor. Enjoyed!

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  19. Hi John - thanks for dropping by and taking the time to comment. And you are right, of course; seeking repeated reassurance from the Internet only exacerbates one's anxieties.

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  20. OMG when my son was tiny, like 3 months, they were doing the invasive ball exam and somebody actually asked if he only had ONE. I was like, um? I dunno? I never felt them but they said he was okay before? They found it and I suspect that it really sucked for him. Thanks for this hilarious story, for those of us who may have once had penis envy.

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  21. Kristi - many thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I'm pleased my tale of aching orbs amused you. I hope your son's apparatus is now in full working order.

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  22. Good to hear that there's nothing out of the ordinary going on with your balls. I had a similar scare myself a little while back. I felt a lump on my ball. After having it x-rayed with that gobbildy-goopy stuff, they said it was likely the result of lifting something heavy and causing a strain in the ball or something. I don't know, they put it more elegantly.

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  23. Our dangly bits are so complex and temperamental. Women don't know how lucky they are!

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  24. I wonder how many times the doctor goes into her office and has a little chuckle at how uncomfortable she makes all of her patients. I think maybe I should have been a urologist. Glad you're well though. Good news is always welcome at the dr's office, particularly when your package is in question.

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    1. I'm sure the docs swap lots of stories over a glass of wine after work - and have a good laugh at our misfortunes.

      Thanks for your interest.

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  25. Oh, Gary - I am learning so much from you tonight! You are side-splittingly funny without even seeming to try. Also I can add "dangly bits, budgie-smugglers, and meat and veg" to my vocabulary. My favorite line, I think, is "in the cold consulting room my meat and veg resemble Bob Cratchit’s turkey, the last one in the shop." I almost spit out my wine - red, which would be super inconvenient. Loving your blog!

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  26. Hi Ashley. I really appreciate your thoughtful, detailed feedback. And you are so generous with your support; I find your comments really motivating. Thank you.

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  27. Yikes that appointment sounds awful but your recount of it is beyond hilarious! Glad your dangly bits are all okay.

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment - much appreciated.

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