Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Things Mrs Jones would not have said 30 years ago

Courtesy of rosezombie - FreeDigitalPhotos.net



Relationships evolve over time. Thirty-three years ago, the future Mrs Jones and I met in a social club at the hospital where we both worked. Like any couple in the early stages of the mating ritual, we were each on our best behaviour: no farting in front of each other; swearing restricted to exclamations; and bowel references were no more graphic than the occasional mention of an ‘upset stomach’.

Nowadays we are less inhibited. I share the following scenarios as illustration:

  1. Mrs Jones returns home from work and enters the living room where I’m tip-tapping away on my laptop. My attention is drawn to the twitching of her nostrils. She looks directly at me, accusingly, and asks, ‘Have you shit?’

  1. Together on the settee, watching television.
‘I wish you’d stop fidgeting’ I say.
‘I can’t’ she says.
‘Why, what’s the problem?’
‘My arse is stinging like a wasp with a cob on.’

But last week, while we were sitting at the table eating our evening meal, Mrs Jones made a comment that indicated to me how three decades of co-habitation had transformed the nature of our relationship. The rhythmic clicking of stainless steel utensils on ceramic plates, mixed with the occasional slurping of wine, were interrupted by the never-to-be-forgotten comment:

‘Move the condiments nearer to me; my tits keep flopping in my Bolognese sauce!’  



  

36 comments:

  1. That last line is filling my head with an interesting visual. Mrs. C. and i didn't fart in front of each other for years, and then one day all hell broke loose. Have a great day.

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    1. Yes, I guess it does paint a picture! Thanks, as always, for your interest.

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  2. I've never heard "like a wasp with a cob on" and I feel better for having been exposed to that phrase here. Enjoyed!

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    1. Delighted to supply you with sayings you can spread across the USA. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

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  3. Replies
    1. Sorry, Lizzi, for slurring British womanhood!

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  4. Now, with hindsight, would you still have taken the plunge? Yeah, I guess, so enjoy the next 50 plus...
    Have a lovely week mate.

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    1. Thank you - you take care of yourself too.

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  5. Being able to discuss each other's farts is the hallmark of a mature relationship. I remember a comment on my blog, written by a divorcee, to the effect that farting was not grounds for a divorce. I've never forgotten that comment.

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    1. Yes,discussing basic bodily functions tends not to kick-in until you've lived together a year or two.

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  6. Ah yes, we have also reached the point in our household where we are no longer inhibited. It's fun to be able to say what you mean, not what the other one wants to hear. Word.

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    1. Once a couple have lived together for many years, there are very few secrets! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

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  7. Replies
    1. You and Mrs Jones would get along fine!

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  8. FUNNY stuff!! I remember when I was first dating my future husband how I always avoided certain foods that made me gassy, and held in all farts until the evening was over (when I was alone). Nowadays, we have fart competitions. This is what we have evolved into after 30 years of marriage….

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    1. Yes, Marcia, it is a very distinctive kind of intimacy after 30 years together!

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  9. We've only been together four years (married 3.5) and all bets are already off in this household. Farting is a sport and commentary about shit happens multiple times a day. No shame for us! Haha.

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  10. Ah, you youngsters! It's great for a couple to have so few secrets.

    Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  11. Ha, this is awesome! It's great to have crossed that line where you don't have to tiptoe around each other and sugarcoat stuff. Once you can talk about shitting, you can talk about anything.

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    1. Yes, it does represent a deep level of intimacy (although it's far from being a Mills & Boon romance).

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  12. Hahahaha! I had to laugh big time at this. I also have seen my relationship with my gal come full circle to the same openess. Farting and pooping - all bets are off!

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  13. Pleased it amused you. I suspect all relationships get to the 'farting and poop' stage after a while.

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  14. OMG this is hilarious! I love it! You're so right - I think my husband honestly thought I never fart when we were first dating. Of course, now all bets are off. Great post Bryan!!

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    1. Thank you, Kristi, for your encouraging words and support.

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  15. I'm at almost 20 years of marriage. Laughing while reading, I thought of the "outbursts" that go on around my house, in addition to the differences caused by the aging process... the grunts, how it takes 15 seconds of walking to get the stiffness out of our bodies after being sedentary. My husband... not me, of course.
    Thanks for reminding us of the humor that is needed in a marriage.

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    1. Yes, as a relationship matures the focus of humor changes.

      I appreciate you reading and commenting.

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  16. After 28 years:
    One flosses while the other one takes a dump.
    Won't say who does which.
    And who says romance is dead?

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    1. Al, I wouldn't have guessed you were a flosser!!

      And romance can be conducted in a variety of ways.

      Thanks for dropping in to comment, and I hope you are well.

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  17. pretty nice blog, following :)

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  18. Replies
    1. I appreciate your interest,Linda.

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  19. Hahahaha .... I really missed goin thru your blog ! Another funny post with the touch of reality , how dyu do that every single time ?

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  20. I guess I lead a warped sort of life!
    Thanks for your generous comments and ongoing interest.
    Best wishes.

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