Thursday, 22 May 2014

What to say, and not to say, to your man – a tutorial


Contrary to popular female perception, we men are sensitive creatures. Beneath those steely exteriors cower vulnerable boys, scanning their environments for morsels of evidence that we are valued. Our partners provide the richest, and most potent source, of information to shape our conclusions as to whether we are wimps or alpha males.

So ladies (at least those involved in heterosexual relationships) you have the power. One utterance from those glossy lips can energize or destroy the man in your life. A casual comment can deflate your mate into an impotent quivering piece of blubber, or transform him into a strutting, testosterone-fuelled superhero.   

As I enter middle age, and beyond, I’ve been reflecting on four decades of interactions with women and can now deliver the definitive tutorial, entitled, “What to say, and what not to say, to your man”.

Scenario 1: Man buys woman a gift, or shows thoughtfulness by cooking her favourite meal.

DEFLATE response: “Ah, that’s sweet of you.”

BOOST response: “You’re the best.”

The “sweet” comment, much used by the fairer of the species, is sickly and patronising; the kind of thing one might say to a 2-year-old niece when she offers you a suck of her lollipop. In contrast, telling your man he’s “the best” taps into his primal need to be head of the pack, reassuring him that (at least in the eyes of his partner) he is number one and will later have his pick of the on-heat females (which, of course, will be you). 


Scenario 2: Showing the family photograph album to your offspring.

DEFLATE response: “Your dad used to be a good-looking man.”

BOOST response: “Your dad’s still a good-looking man.”

OK, the hair might be greyer, the body less toned, but the first response might as well scream “useless has-been”. Being told that you were once good-looking, but no longer are, is more damaging to the tender ego of the male than accepting that one has always been battered with the ugly stick. Alternatively, we vanity-bloated men love to believe we are still attractive to the female form, albeit in a more sophisticated way. The boost response will typically lead to a puffing up of the male plumage, involving chest expansion, an erect back and a bounce in the stride.


Scenario 3: Man flirting with women at a party.

DEFLATE response: “You sad, old bastard; still thinking you’ve got a chance with women almost half your age.”

BOOST response: “I’ll have to keep an eye on you with all these young women sniffing around.”

Ladies, we know that the chances of women lusting after blokes two decades their senior are as likely as their developing an aversion for chocolate. But men like to delude themselves that at least one or two fillies within the vicinity just might be thinking, “wow, that man is triggering spasms in my lady bits.” Deny us this fantasy and we’d stop showering and never change our underwear.    


Scenario 4: Man undressing in aroused state in anticipation of rumpy-pumpy, and having just unleashed his front-room furniture.

DEFLATE response: “Ah, how cute!”

BOOST response:  “Be gentle with me.”

Men are obsessed with the size of their willies, and subject them to frequent inspections in front of the mirror (or is that just me?). Things described as cute tend to be small, so the deflate comment will activate the man’s doubts about the adequacy of his nadger, inevitably impairing his sexual performance. In contrast, the boost response implies that his weapon is at risk of causing damage, thereby promoting virility and confidence in his ability to satisfy.


Scenario 5:  During the act of love-making

BOOST response: Gasps of orgasmic pleasure (manufactured or otherwise).

DEFLATE response: “Are you in yet?”

No commentary necessary.   


So there you have it, the definitive guide to how men tick. Ladies, the power is with you; use it wisely.




*** Personal note: Due to my father’s illness, over the last few weeks I’ve not maintained my usual level of activity in the blogosphere. At the time of writing, my father seems to be improving and, tomorrow, I set off on a 15-night Scandinavian cruise (yippee!). So I expect my usual input to blogging will resume from around the middle of June.
    

24 comments:

  1. Hahahahaha . Classic .
    Oh , how i wish i could write like you , LOVE the posst .
    Will pray for your father , and happy journey !
    The blogging world's gonna miss you :(


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    1. Thank you for your hugely generous comments.

      Best wishes.

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  2. Good news about your dad. Have akick ass time on the cruise.

    Make sure you print out a copy of this blog post and keep it within site of the daily ship's itinerary in your room each day! No need to be deflated on vacation!

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    1. Cheers Phil. Dad seems to be (slowly) getting stronger. Cruise was fantastic; put about 7 pounds on, mostly around the gut!

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  3. Quite a fun post. Too bad Dude Write isn't around anymore because this would have been perfect for it. Enjoy your cruise.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I do miss Dude Write. Cruise was wonderful. I appreciate your unflinching support.

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  4. I'm going to use the "deflate" responses for my husband. Just because his ego is so big, it doesn't fit into the same room he's in.

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    1. Yes, Terrye, I thought you might. I'm happy to be of service.

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  5. The woman can say whatever she wants after the rumpy-pumpy, of course. A man's ego is invulnerable when he's asleep.

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    1. Fair point. A man needs his sleep after all that frenzied activity!

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  6. Replies
    1. Thanks for your ongoing interest.

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  7. Fucksake why do boys have to be so COMPLICATED. Good GRIEF. And they SULK. Gurrrrr.

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    Replies
    1. Lizzi - we males are extremely complex beasts, with depths of sensitivity women can only dream about!!

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  8. So many wonderful nuggets of info here. I love your word choices---"triggering spasms in my lady bits," "rumpy-pumpy," "unleash his front room furniture," and "Are you in yet?" HAHAHA!!! Another hilarious post, my friend!

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    1. Glad it resonated with you, Marcia. You're an endless source of original descriptors that often trigger my own ideas.

      I appreciate your ongoing support.

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  9. Rumpy pumpy? You guys do have a way with words over in Old Blighty! lol

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    Replies
    1. Yes we Brits tend to a vocabulary of our own.

      Thanks for taking the time to comment.

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  10. oh my god this was hilarious!

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    1. Delighted it touched your funny bone, Beth.

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  11. Excellent. I'm printing this out and "accidentally" leaving it in the kitchen, bathroom, my wife's bag, and the balcony (just in case).

    Also, it's not just you. I am totally checking out my penis in the mirror as I type these very words. Wait...that makes things much, much more awkward.

    Happy to hear about your dad. And enjoy that cruise. You should be somewhere in the area then.

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  12. Hi there, fellow penis-scrutinizer!

    Cruise was fantastic. Spent two days in Copenhagen; loved it, and intend to go back some time soon for a long weekend,

    I appreciate your generous comments.

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  13. OMGGGGGGGGG,
    I'm hooked on this blog. Where have you been?
    Love the male perspective here.
    Fan-fucking-Hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed it. And thank you for taking the time to read and for leaving such generous comments.

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